I need a new god who accepts me the way I am (Long version)

My Christian friends and I are so sick of what our Pastor tells us about sin and judgment and all that other garbage that regularly makes us feel guilty and remorseful and takes the fun out of life. He is like not even in contact with the real world but is out there somewhere floating on a theological cloud that has no relevance for today. And then on top of that, was having a sexual relationship with a fourteen-year-old daughter of one of the members until the janitor caught them in the prayer chapel on Thursday afternoon! So sick and weird that we decided to find a church for our spiritual needs, like a modern day one and so we left.

In all, we were fourteen, and after a couple of days, we found a good one, a modern one with the coolest music and best-looking choir! The Pastor was a hype looking guy with his hair done in a bun and had a well trained and sculptured physique and his wife or later as I learned, his live-in girlfriend, was stunning in her tight dresses and long flowing auburn hair! All the elders were young, maybe mid-twenties and were a mixture of men and women, I believe that they numbered around nine and all of them were familiar with the congregation, and they wore the newest trends and styles! This was the place to be in the modern church!

When the choir played, it felt like we were at a rock concert, thundering bass and wailing guitars and pounding drums that made our heads spin and took us to levels of pure ecstatic spirituality! And when the choir sang, it was like listening to angels and just as beautiful in their tight dresses and slacks, and the swaying of the ladies was almost mesmerizing, enchanting if you will and cries of joyful exaltation for the coolest Jesus ever! Yea! Rock on with Jesus in heavenly bliss! You should see how the members of the church enjoy it all! Why they’re clapping and singing and swaying along and a lot of them are dancing in the aisles and saying things that make no sense, but the spirit of God knows!  Then you would see the Pastor fall on his knees, weeping for joy as the people throw free will offerings at his feet to further the work of the ministry! Why I am so blessed to be a part of this that nothing else matters except for the happiness that I feel in my heart at being here among the true believers in the new age of the modern church!

After about an hour of powerful worship music, the Pastor calls for a short break and a lot of people step outside to have a smoke or just to chill for a couple of minutes from the intense interaction with the spirit of god. They encourage one another to be faithful through rings of smoke, but hey, that’s great because my Jesus knows me and accepts me the way I am, no judgment calls here! In this church, everbody is loved and welcomed, even lesbians and gays and bi-sexuals and transgenders and everybody else who practices sex other than the old fashioned way because God loves us all and there is no condemnation in Jesus! Amen and amen again brothers and sisters! We were told upon joining this church that there is an active LGBT club here and we are free to join, and if the spirit of God reveals our sexuality, we are free to try it out among the brethren inside the group, no questions asked until we know for certain what our call is! That is so awesome here! The Pastor and his live-in girlfriend are both bi-sexuals but practice it only in a closed group so as not to attract undue attention from those old fashioned creepy fundamentalists who love to point the finger! And what is so great here is that no accusations are heard, but instead love rules, just like the Bible says, love covers a multitude of sins and love is king here! Hallejuha baby!

When our Pastor preaches, he is so awesome and cool and super good looking and his words are like oil and honey as they flow over us, filling our hearts and minds with the gospel and words of the newest Bible in trend. And that cross that hangs behind him on the wall picturing a transsexual Jesus is the best witness to God the Father and God the Mother that can be had for their gentle and feminine son! But when his live-in girlfriend gets behind the pulpit, it is like having a living goddess standing in the room because as she says, we are all little gods and goddesses and she must be the queen of the goddesses in this church in her eloquence and beauty! She paints her face in colors so radiant and fine and has the most tender look in her eyes when she speaks, and her hair seems to shimmer and glow as it cascades over her right shoulder and falls upon her partially revealed breasts! She is the epitome of natural beauty, just as Jesus would like her to present herself in his image among the body of believers! I feel an almost irresistible desire to fall at her feet and worship her as do most others, but I know that Jesus would tenderly tell me to focus on him because he is only using her to draw us to himself and that is wonderful to me!

Today, our Pastor taught us that all religions bring us to the one true God who is the embodiment of all gods in existence and that no one would be exempt from his presence because of archaic rules and regulations. All are accepted just as they are without having to do anything or change anything except for a few minor details of the which he will later speak upon, providing of course that the spirit of grace would want him too. He also told us that to seek wealth is very good because God wants us to be rich and successful in this world and to be a light to draw others to the wealth that the Christ has promised to all believers and as a symbol of those blessings, we should strive to live higher than those we surround ourselves with in order to show them their poverty without Jesus! We gave him a standing ovation that turned into a short but very intense time of praise, and the tears of joy flowed as the money was again thrown into the air because we know that we will be blessed thrice fold, just as our Pastor proclaims it!

He lives in a luxurious home with plenty of lands and has five expensive autos, a large swimming pool and a private twin engine airplane for religious work and occasional vacations. Being here only a few short days, I haven’t personally been there because visits are by invitation only, but I’ve met some lovely women who have, and they said it’s like heaven on earth and pleasures abound! I hope to be invited one day soon which is why I am starting to go to the gym every day of the week so that I may look attractive and fit! I have also applied to the choir, but getting in is hard because looks are very critical to success and those who are in it have to maintain the highest physical standards as well as a passive attitude to the leaders of the church.

Our Pastor and his wife have also written books about being successful Christians and have made two cd’s of worship music where they sing songs of praise to the creation made by the creators, and it sold well I heard. I would love to speak to them both, but an appointment has to be made and their time is very costly and only pressing matters can be allowed, but that’s ok. For me, I’ve found my church, and I’m happy to be here, surrounded by all these beautiful people, some of whom who speak and write religious books, telling the world what Jesus says in their words! They are spokespeople for our God, isn’t that wonderful? That God talks to us through them outside of the Bible in such gentle and kind words, never mentions that ugly word “sin” lest he frightens off the tenderhearted, never mentions the law because we all know of course that he nailed that to the cross long ago and it has no application in our modern society anyway! And there is no mention of sexual sin because there are no sexual sins, it is only love, love, and more love and that is too wonderful for me to grasp!

And as I look around, I see more and more churches going this way and it makes me happy to know that the church of God is finally growing up and coming out of the closet of closed off “truths” and is now becoming the powerhouse it was meant to be, the pinnacle of all religions in the world united by our transsexual son of God and I am so happy to be a member of such a worldwide movement. There is only one problem, and it is those pesky fundamentalists who refuse to see the light and be conformed to it! So I have recently joined a large coalition of people who demand that they submit to this new Christianity or we will punish them through acts of boycotts, protests, harassments, fines, trials, and imprisonments if they refuse to submit! It’s for their good and for the world community as a whole and for peace to be given a chance then we must remove all obstacles to that peace process, and that includes the old picture of Jesus revered by the fundamentalists and replace him with the new! Our dear brothers and sisters around the globe are tired of being told that this old Jesus makes no compromises and calls for repentance and the absurd claim that He alone is the way to the Father! That is a major stumbling block for our global religion, and it must be removed along with the fundamentalist, so won’t you join us in our heartfelt endeavor to bring peace by removing the sword that hinders our growth, the ignorant fundamentalists with their old fashioned Jesus?

You can join us at any time. All you need to do is to create a new god in the image of our Jesus and find a modern day church where they’ll accept you and the lifestyle you have chosen for yourself! It’s that easy, and besides, the old churches are falling by the score so go with the winning team, us! The post modern church of the progressive believers. So join us today by calling this number 1-666-6666 and be part of the new global religion coming to a town or city near you!