The wife wants to go shopping.
So my wife decided to go with me to the car wash this morning, man, I should have known better! My plans this morning were so easy and laid back! All I wanted to do was just wash the car at 8:00 AM and go back to the house and work on another short story, a science fiction one that I’d dreamt about two weeks ago, but my dear wife had an agenda!
While we were waiting behind a rude man from Austria who drove into the wash hall first and then went to buy his ticket, I struck up a conversation with another customer who was also waiting and the talk turned to sailing. Now, I like to sail, and one of my childhood dreams is to sail from Europe to America, and that is still on the front burner. This guy, who goes by the name of Alex loves to sail, but preferably in warmer waters, namely, the Adriatic Sea whereas I prefer the colder. At any rate, my wife strolls over and joins the conversation, and after about two minutes they both realized that they had gone to the same school years ago, had the same teachers and knew the same people! Oh great, I was thinking to myself, a miniature class reunion at the car wash! Should I get some coffee perhaps? No, my wife did.
We made some arrangements to meet up at a later date to discuss sailing and to meet his family, and then we left, or so I thought, for the house, BUT, the wife said to me; “Ed, you could use some new work boots.” “No, I don’t!” I said somewhat forcefully, “My steel toed boots are just fine!”
“You have no cushion inside of them, and the soles are worn down, so we’ll drive to the CITY and buy some new ones.” Despite my REPEATED denials, the car ended up on the highway heading towards the city of Rosenheim, and I wasn’t laughing! But my mind was racing at high speed as I thought of all the things I could have IF I PLAYED ALONG because then my wife would be nice and friendly and calm and quiet if I didn’t react with some kind of over-the-top argument!
When we arrived at the giant hardware store, I wanted to park in the shade, but she pointed out that all the shady spots had No Parking signs posted and I needed to follow the rules and regulations just as any normal German would. I, however, pointed out that I am not a normal German, in fact, I’m not even a German and those rules, therefore, do not apply to me! Her icy stare and thinly pressed lips told me that the ice was getting rather thin, and so I reluctantly parked my bright red car under the very hot sun and then made a beeline for the cavernous sliding doors that offered all who entered therein, a refugee from the unmerciful heat of the 9:00 AM sun!
Safe at last, at least from the sun, but now it’s off to the Work Boot department, and I follow at length, my sandals scuffing the floor because I really dislike shoe shopping as any normal man would! But my wife manages a shoe store, and I know what’s coming and I’ve got to get away but where to? It’s too late! I’m trapped between towering racks of work boots! I never knew that construction boots came in so many colors and heights and NO! I’m not going to try on fifteen different pairs, but I had to try four, and that was enough for me! Let me outta here, I’m dying! I think you guys can understand me! I finally got the right ones at number three and grabbing the shoe box, I fled for my life!
As I raced around the corner with my wife in hot pursuit, I spied the tool section and quickly took a left-hand dive, although it took my feet a little longer and so it became a slide to safety! My wife was just a blur in motion as she shot by and I was safe at first!
As I got back on my feet, I looked around and saw the Proxxon tools and those are the best that I’ve ever used, Immediately, I forget about my wife, she was probably somewhere deep in the bowels of the Hardware store searching for me and concentrated my attention on the closed wrenches.
I’ve got a lot of those tools, and I’ll need them for the future that I’m planning on and man, let me tell you, I was just happily dreaming away in tool land and, ouch! Something bounced off my head and looking up, there she was, my wife, standing on the upper level and she held another small wooden wedge in her hand! Doggone it! No wonder my son calls her the “Little Dragon!”
Now I’m starting to get mad! The other customers are laughing and or smiling, and she is voicing her opinion quite loudly, and there is not a whole lot that I can do from down here, but I’m going to tell her that enough is enough and so I quickly make my way up the stairs, but she’s no longer there! A moment later I hear a yoo-hoo and that is always embarrassing to me because it’s her way of getting my attention without me becoming angry because then everyone is looking around and I really don’t want to be the recipient of their misaligned humor!
For the next ten minutes, I have to listen to the pros and cons of different car seat covers and all that I can do is sweat it out and practice the art of patience, which by the way, has long since disappeared.
Finally, we are finished at the checkout and with arms filled with various items, I dutifully make my way to the inferno waiting outside, but my wife does have a little pity in her heart, and she invites me to the bakery for a breakfast under the shady tree, and of course, I gratefully and humbly accept her gracious offer of hospitality! ( You men know of course what I’m thinking by now!)
At last, safely in my air-conditioned car, we make our way home and I, in complete exhaustion, realize that it’s 2:30 PM and so throwing myself on my bed and with splayed out hands and feet and looking like the Scarecrow, I think to myself, when can I go back to work?